I stayed in the darkness with you.

I don't miss people. After years of disappointment and loneliness, I learnt to detach myself from people when they left. There's a few people I occasionally miss talking with. But in general, I don't tend to miss anyone.

But recently, it's become apparent that this isn't the case anymore. It seems there are two people I have taken to missing. One of them, I have spoken of before. His friendship has effectively saved my life. And I miss him when I don't seem him for a long period of time. I miss the sound of his voice because, somehow, it's soothing. Even when he is testing my patience.

And the other I haven't known long. He's lovely, handsome and funny. I slept with him, and I felt more comfortable just knowing him for hours than I felt with my ex-boyfriend for the entire year we dated. And I miss him. Because he makes me feel happy.

But that's it. Just them two.

I don't know why. I think this is why my mother says I'm emotionally stunted.

This is killing me.

I don't think I've ever had the need to cut as much before.
I can't do it and it's making me need to do it all the more.

This isn't going to work.

I can tell.
I want it to, but I can tell it won't.
People won't let it. They'll make their comments and they'll make us think and it'll drive us apart.

Because that's what always happens.

People always have their say, and people always get their own way. And in the end, I'm left on my own.

An ounce of peace is all I want.

Today isn't a good day.
My exams have started. I had one yesterday, which went okay. But the day as a whole was a stressful, pointless day. Buses not arriving, buses being late, being forced to look after my sister and dogs whilst not being able to relax, while my parents go out and have fun.

And today, it's just. I don't know. I woke up feeling very insecure and angry and upset. For no reason whatsoever. The need to cut is so strong at the minute. So instead, I dragged my fist along the wall and took the skin off my knuckles. That's not much better than cutting and it's still self-harm so really, I'm not doing any better. I haven't relapsed because I never stopped.
And I'm just generally feeling miserable. I have no motivation to revise even though I have three exams next week to revise for. I need to eat but I don't want to eat and we don't have anything in anyway.

And on a day that my mother and I actually get along, we decided we'd go out for lunch today. You know, to bond and shit. Except she's so wrapped up in her own egotistical self that she forgot I exist and has ignored me most of the day.

I just want to scream and bash my head against a wall.

The future.

I'm destined to be alone.
I genuinely think I am.

I'm a paranoid, anti-social, self-loathing obsessive compulsive self-harmer with severe trust issues who hates physical contact and intimacy. I dislike people in general, I hate everything about myself and I tend to refuse to confront my feelings about someone because I know I'm not good enough for them.

If I don't want to die alone, I need to find someone who can deal with a girlfriend being all of these things. And I also have to trust them enough to actually get close to me. As well as feel something more for them than friendship.

It's just not going to happen.

Stuck in reverse..

I'm not having a great time.
I'm just miserable.
The few plans I've made for the summer had kept me going but now, even that isn't enough.

I have exams coming up. I haven't done enough revision because I can't concentrate on it. So as a result, I keep getting waves of anxiety-induced nausea and I keep having panics. I want to cut myself so bad but I don't want to add to my scars. So instead I sat in my room for two hours tearing the skin off my lips until they bled.

I can't do it. I'm going to amount to nothing and I'm too stupid and pathetic to change it.

Why am I even trying?

Sometimes it feels like there's only one person in the world who actually remembers I exist. Who doesn't get so caught up in everyone else that I slip passed them and get forgotten.

It can be a simple question on a social networking site, so trying to organise a social event or join one. I seem to go unnoticed. And it's getting painful.

I honestly think that if it wasn't for this one person, I would have killed myself by now.