I'm having moments again.
Those times when I have flashes of .. nothing. Emptiness. Nothingness. As though none of this is real, and in reality there is nothing but darkness.
It lasts just a moment. A split second. Barely there, but long enough to make my heart pound.
I went a few weeks without it but it's happening again.
I've been lonely this evening, and most of today. I got blanked or interrupted by most of my friends and family throughout the day. The only full conversation I've had today was with a friend on the bus this afternoon. We were sat at the back, in the corner, talking mindless chatter. It was all unimportant, irrelevant, but lovely. And we weren't interrupted.
I come home, and as usual I don't really have much conversation. We have tea, I listen to my mother moan about my sister and her friend making noise. I go upstairs, I stare at the computer screen. And then later this evening, I make an attempt to talk to my mother about my favourite book, Of Mice and Men by John Steinbeck. I began to read out quotes. Partly to feed my own desperate desire to read it again, and partly to make suggestions for a family friend (he's currently doing his GCSEs and Of Mice and Men is on the curriculum.)
My mother blatantly interrupted me and ignored me.
I tell her about the terrible dreams I've been having. I can't remember what happens in them, but I wake up sweating with my heart pounding, shaking all over and feeling so ill I want to throw up. The reaction lasts about an hour, although I still find myself extremely anxious for most of the day.
She says, "it's just a dream" and walks away.
Moving away is sounding incredibly appealing right now.
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