The other day I cracked.
I got home from college, and at the first sight of my revision notes, I broke. What little sanity and stability I had crumbled and I cried. For five hours. I stopped around 11 o'clock at night for ten minutes or so, and then it came back. The self-loathing, the regret, the guilt.
I curled up into a ball, hiding under my duvet, and sobbed quietly to myself for another few hours. All the while, my mind was riddled with suicidal thoughts. I had the blade. When I stopped sobbing long enough to sit up, I held the blade to my wrist and I damn near did it.
I don't know what stopped me. Maybe it's because I've actually got friends now. But I still wonder if they'd miss me if I did do it.
I forced myself to put the blade away and after that, I started crying again. I cried well into the early hours of the morning and only stopped when I finally fell asleep for a couple of hours.
But the episode messed me up that night. The lack of sleep left me irritable and exhausted the next day. I took up my mother's offer of visiting my brother instead of going to college - I couldn't have coped with college.
This is becoming more frequent.
I'm worried that someday, I'm going to do it.
I just hope my friends and family would forgive me if I did.
You would be missed if you went through with it, and although it might be one of the most difficult things to do, you should talk to one of your friends, one that you know might have a chance at understanding. Talk to the friend you know would forgive you, but would miss you so much all the same.
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